this product is BOLLOCKS

i read a dazzling review of adidas' cotton-infused absorbent-deo in "jane," which i'm not usually afraid to take seriously, and was elated to hear that there was an aluminum-free product that would actually tame my ever-dewy pits, which, between nine hours of wrestling large goofy dogs, the hour walk home from the hospital, and the recent stretch of ninety-degree days featuring 112% relative humidity, needed more than a little taming. i shelled out twice what i thought should have been necessary, in spite of its pungent and not at all enticing aroma, and trotted home dreaming desiccated, shower-fresh dreams. look at it: wetness control, right there in small caps, smack in the center of the label. 24 hrs of it, no less.

BOLLOCKS. i'm sweatier than ever. i think my mistake was assuming that "breakthru" means the same thing as "breakthrough," as in the sudden opening up of some new way of scientific achievement. in fact, "breakthru" is defined as "a sharply packaged product containing water (aqua), fragrance (parfum) and ext. d&c violet no. 2 that will not do anything its promoters will tell you it does, but that you, a sucker, will buy after an unscrupulous 'jane' staffer lies to you about its efficacy."

well, as an infinitesimal consolation, when i ask people if they like my new dress i can now offhandedly mention that it's made entirely of gossypium herbaceum threads.