friday celebrity-letter blogging
dear zach braff,
you are already famous. you do not need to ho yourself out on myspace. please stop abusing the passionate adoration bestowed upon you by teenage girls across the globe. seriously. that's weak. i mean, i know everyone thinks it's lovely that you're trying to make yourself accessible to the people you owe your success to, but they think you're doing it as a display of gratitude and down-to-earthness. i, on the other hand, am pretty sure you're doing it because you require inordinate amounts of attention and praise and are convinced that you can not survive without being patted on the head and told you're pretty at least thirty-seven times a day. but you can, zach. myspace is a tough thing to beat, anyone will tell you, but the strength is in you. break the fuck free.
i'll have your needy, narcissistic back the whole way.
your sponsor,
juniper
postscript: why are you not outraged over the way james roday has co-opted all your moves? because unless you and david duchovny have secretly had yourselves a genetically engineered love child, that dude is totally harshing your gig. you should be outraged. i'm outraged.
post-postscript: when people started saying, "this is the new shins song from the garden state soundtrack," did you grab them by the collar and scream, "NO! this is the three-year-old shins song from oh, inverted world! get it right! GET IT RIGHT!!!!!!" because i did.
post-post-postcript: i will forgive you for all of this if you'll say something beautiful about sufjan stevens in all of your future interviews.
you are already famous. you do not need to ho yourself out on myspace. please stop abusing the passionate adoration bestowed upon you by teenage girls across the globe. seriously. that's weak. i mean, i know everyone thinks it's lovely that you're trying to make yourself accessible to the people you owe your success to, but they think you're doing it as a display of gratitude and down-to-earthness. i, on the other hand, am pretty sure you're doing it because you require inordinate amounts of attention and praise and are convinced that you can not survive without being patted on the head and told you're pretty at least thirty-seven times a day. but you can, zach. myspace is a tough thing to beat, anyone will tell you, but the strength is in you. break the fuck free.
i'll have your needy, narcissistic back the whole way.
your sponsor,
juniper
postscript: why are you not outraged over the way james roday has co-opted all your moves? because unless you and david duchovny have secretly had yourselves a genetically engineered love child, that dude is totally harshing your gig. you should be outraged. i'm outraged.
post-postscript: when people started saying, "this is the new shins song from the garden state soundtrack," did you grab them by the collar and scream, "NO! this is the three-year-old shins song from oh, inverted world! get it right! GET IT RIGHT!!!!!!" because i did.
post-post-postcript: i will forgive you for all of this if you'll say something beautiful about sufjan stevens in all of your future interviews.
Labels: braff, celebrity letters
posted by juniper pearl @ 11:46 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home