friday celebrity-letter blogging

dear theo ratliff,

a co-worker of mine just came back from the supermarket across the street and told us he was behind you in line at the register. he also told us that you played basketball for forty-four minutes this year and made $11.7 million. i just wanted to tell you how great i think it is that with all that money, you're still willing to get out and mingle with average citizens while you buy your own groceries at the neighborhood mart, especially with the back injury and all. i go to that store sometimes, they stock some decent produce. did you buy any apples? the gala apples they have right now are bitchin'. no lie. i'd eat one with every meal if i could, but i can't always get all that many of them, because i can't afford to spend more than $70 a week on food. oh well; nobody's fault but my own that i didn't become a professional athlete. and nobody's fault but your own that you didn't pick soccer instead of basketball, right? because right now beckham's making you look like a pauper. no way that dude's popping out for a loaf of bread at lunch time; he's not like us.

anyway. i hope you enjoy your purchase and the 525,000 or so minutes a year you don't spend working. feel better, man.

*swoosh*,

juniper