two thumbs up to the cast, but...

body of a bird
in the road. i stepped around
it, apologized.






i'm the only person i know who doesn't like "the breakfast club." i've never even been able to sit through the entire movie. the public's reliable shock and dismay over this fact has driven me to try harder to sit through the movie than i've ever tried to do anything else in my life, and after all my most sincere attempts i've managed to change my dislike into full-blown loathing. i despise "the breakfast club." there, i've said it. bring on the torch-wielding mobs.

it doesn't matter, you know. i hate a lot of things that don't deserve it. my natural hair color, birch beer, reggae, almost all cooked vegetables... for all i know it isn't even about the movie, it's some repressed tie-in to an intestinal spasm i had the first time i saw it when i was eight or something. i don't know what you'd like me to do about it. i don't ask you to lie about things that you don't like. stop persecuting me, damn it. i'm doing the best i can. *sniff*

new t.v. show! eatusnbc is proud to present "Yup...That's How That Is." this program airs for twelve minutes once a month, because any more than that would be excruciating for me and other people who know its star. i'm not telling you her name because it just isn't relevant, but she's OH FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST so unbelievably irritating. imagine the voice of a midwestern chain-smoking mickey mouse encased in the akward body of an insecure middle-aged librarian. now imagine that voice commenting quietly to itself on EVERYTHING EVERYBODY DOES. oh, you don't understand, you could never understand. here, stay with me anyhow. i'm putting that woman in a chair in any high-traffic area, a street corner, a convenience store, a supermarket produce section... let's use that for now. she's just sitting there, no one's even looking at her, she's wearing a microphone and you hear this:


"i'm sitting next to the grapes. i like grapes. like me some grapes. especially when they're cold. some people like fruit better when it's room temperature, but i like it cold. these grapes aren't very cold. i'd like them better if they were cold. maybe someone could put them in the refrigerator. i bet there's a refrigerator in the supermarket. lots of things that you find in the supermarket need to be kept in the refrigerator. maybe someone will put these grapes in the refrigerator. that woman's buying some apples. she's buying some peppers, too. but she doesn't have any grapes. i wonder if she doesn't like grapes. maybe she just likes apples better. i wonder if she would have wanted the grapes if they were colder. i'd like the grapes more if they were colder. and i like grapes. that's funny, i like grapes, and here i wound up sitting right next to them."

did it take you a minute to read that? maybe less? could you imagine twelve minutes? i work with her for nine hours every day. she's not handicapped, she's not on drugs, she's just the most annoying woman who ever freaking lived. and i'm going to make her famous, because i've got nothing better to do.

if you hate it, that's okay. i appreciate that sometimes there's just no way around it.

buy my hookers, suckers.