and the coveted massengill medallion goes to...

look at this guy. really, just look at him for a minute. do you want anything he's trying to sell you?

now let me tell you what he actually is trying to sell you, and i quote:

The VIDSTONE Serenity Panel is the first personal memorial monument product of its kind. Utilizing solar-power technology and a weatherproof LCD panel it provides families the option of viewing a personalized video tribute right at their loved one’s final resting place. The VIDSTONE Serenity panel features a 5-10 minute multimedia memorial detailing the most precious memories of your loved one’s life. While nothing ever replaces the gift of life, memories can now come one step closer to forever being remembered and not forgotten with a Vidstone Serenity Panel.

for $1,500 ($1,700 if you want the extended warranty), sergio aguirre can make sure you will remember (and not forget) 5-10 minutes of that special someone's life for at least 15 years; after that, you'll have to recall them without the aid of technology, like in medieval times. VIDSTONE knows that you and your loved ones are no heathens, and nothing says "honor thy memory" like weatherproof LCD.

if you have the footage to create the video for this crass and exploitative device, why would you not watch it at home and let that final resting place be, well, restful?

at this point i would like to reiterate my wish to die quietly and alone in some place where no one would ever think to look for my body.


postscript, 9/9/05:

i told toadie about the "serenity panel" last night while we were on our way home from seeing sufjan stevens, who was, as ever, phenomenal. he and his adorable horde of gifted, polyinstrumentalist elves dropped my jaw with their marching-band-on-mdma symphonies, and they also taught me some new cheers. boys just don't get any easier on the eyes than sufjan stevens. that's a fact.

but it's a tangential fact. what i wanted to tell you is, toadie and i spent the train ride back furiously brainstorming ideas for future VIDSTONE projects, and i think some of them have the potential to forever change the way we think about reflecting upon the dearly departed. here are some of the blue-ribbon entries:

• a life-sized hologram of the deceased activated by the placing of a single flower (type to be chosen by the family at the time of purchase) into a bud vase mounted on the headstone. the hologram could be programmed with up to 10 different anecdotes and twenty favorite phrases, such as, "well, call me a duck and smack me 'til wednesday! i was wondering when you'd stop by! remember that time at the cookout when sally got drunk and sat too close to the citronella torch, and her hair caught fire, so i had to throw her in the pool? she cried all night about how i'd ruined her skirt! ha ha! those were good times. it's been great talking to you! live strong!" if the deceased had a favorite parting gesture, such as a military salute or respek knuckles, this could be incorporated as well.

• a multi-chamber mausoleum containing animatronic depictions of significant moments in the lost one's life. from the first unassisted steps to the last, see it all unfold in incredibly realistic settings incorporating objects from the actual events. watch anima-five-year-old-you wipe your nose on your anima-mom's real pant leg as she tearfully drops you off at your first day of kindergarten--just like you might have forgotten to remember it! hey, there's the rare, autographed copy of franny and zooey that your grandfather gave you when you graduated from high school! wow, look how proud of you he is! you pawned that book for beer money two years later and might never have thought of it again, if not for VIDSTONE!

• this next monument is not only an inspirational means of maintaining a relationship with your loved one after his or her passing; it also provides much-needed financial resources that you can devote to the maintenance and groundskeeping of the resting place. plenty of people visit burial grounds to talk to and confide in the departed, but not many of them have gotten responses--until now, thanks to the VIDSTONE Guardian Angel! by combining cutting-edge techniques in forensic reconstruction and robotics with a convenient loophole in asimov's zeroth law, we can build a "living" head that will fool and elate even the most bereaved of mourners! visitors can insert coins into the front of the Guardian Angel's durable, weather-resistant plexiglass dome and receive advice and fortunes guaranteed to comfort heavy hearts*. missing your favorite confidants? they may not be able to offer you a shoulder to cry on, but they'll certainly lend you their ears!


* VIDSTONE is entitled to 60% of all of its products' earnings