sunday best-of blogging: the surprise tuesday issue

best lullaby to sing to your tiny, unsuspecting cat the night before you leave her for six days, all the while struggling to smile sincerely enough to convince her that nothing's going on, even though secretly you're remembering how the last time you were gone overnight she threw up everything she ate in a dotted line along the length of your bed: "there is a light that never goes out," the smiths

worst song to wake up in the middle of the night and find said cat purring menacingly into your ear: "indian lover," by jude, which goes something like this: "and if you go at last and leave me here, i will slowly run the gas into it, i'd be invisible, and fingering the match i'll strike one mortal, final blow…" oh, ophelia, whatever shall i do with you? please don't eat any wood chips or thread or shards of broken glass while i'm gone. i'm coming home, i swear. unless we crash into the ocean, and then i'm not, but it won't be because i don't love you very much. i have no control over the plane.

best way to pass time in store you don't want to be in: hide in the center of a circular clothing rack and squeak "pick me!" at browsers who seem torn between items.

best line from a song about clams: "clams, clams, you don't have any feet / clams, clams, you're filled with squishy meat." this tune is a rare gem in the pop world, being both catchy and true. it's featured in amy winfrey's latest installment of making fiends, along with an equally upbeat ditty about preventing scurvy.

best logo to notice for the first time on the handle of the mop that's been in your bathroom for as long as you can remember:



best vacation weather forecast to tell yourself it could be worse about:



and it really could be worse; look, there's no hail or volcanic fallout anywhere in there. ten whole days without a hurricane! i'm a lucky gal.

so, that's it, kids. behave yourselves while i'm gone—no fighting (and no parties!). help yourselves to the leftovers, but if you have friends over and they damage the furniture it's coming out of your allowance.