sunday best-of blogging: the dirty issue

best mood music: pj harvey's rid of me. rowwrrr.

most equivocally dirty vacation destination: tacoma, washington, as evidenced here and here by my trusty on-the-scene double-entendre reporter, spine.

best indicator of your need to seek professional assistance in conquering your homophobia: i recently had to treat a pomeranian (a very small, very poofy dog) for a spinal injury that had left him unable to control his hind legs. the owner had kicked him after he had mounted another dog because he was ashamed of him for "acting gay." now, anyone who knows anything at all about dogs recognizes that mounting behavior* has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with the top dog asserting his (or her, because confident girl dogs will do it too) dominance over the, um, bottom dog, whatever gender it might be. it's nothing more than proving one's rank, and, while you probably want to control it to keep your dog from becoming too dominant in its dealings with you, it's far less suggestive of one's intimate nature than walking around with a tiny fluffy moppet at the end of a ribbon. go ahead, call me judgmental, but i really do believe that a person's taste in pets says ten thousand times more about that person's character than their taste in anything else. the dog is back on all four feet now, at least physically, and hopefully there's some group therapy in that man's future.

mr. winkle says, "i wufv coochie!"

best educational short or series: the senior chemistry collection put out in the early 80s by TVOntario. i caught the pieces on covalent and ionic bonding at 4:30 in the morning this past wednesday (thanks, new hampshire public television!). i paused on the channel initially because i thought monotonous chemspeak would be something comforting and familiar enough to lull me at last to sleep, but when the animation started i couldn't tear my eyes away. here's the visual offered with the explanation of the formation of a water molecule: a giant red oxygen atom with full, pouty lips and half-closed eyelids tipped by long, luxurious lashes is bouncing gently at the center of the screen. one small hydrogen atom enters from each side of the screen, grinning dully. when the hydrogen atoms spot the object of their irrepressible attraction, their eyes bug out of their electron clouds and they lunge at her, one glomming on to either side of her plump scarlet form. as they unite, madam oxygen closes her eyes and emits a satisfied sigh as her smile stretches from ear to ear. a moment later, the film attempts to explain to us why the two male hydrogen atoms can't help but struggle against their attraction for each other. as their protons and electrons lead them in a dizzying series of towards-then-away dance steps, their confused and saddened faces tell the deeper story. we believe the tale is going to end in wuthering heights–style heartbreak as the atoms retreat, defeated and ashamed, but suddenly the narrator swoops in and reminds us that the farther the atoms get from each other, the stronger their attraction becomes, as the distance overrides their repulsion. from across the room their gazes meet, and at last the two rush at each other and fuse, their eyes swirling ecstatically in their sockets. cue the bass line! i had to get up for a glass of water. no wonder they can only show this between 4 and 5 a.m.

some other things that i'd loved to have snickered at while watching this in my actual high school chemistry class:

• the non-anthropomorphized illustration of two ionically bonded hydrogen atoms looks like a pair of giant, firm, perfectly pert black breasts, complete with cherry-red nuclei for nipples.

• when the short is trying to explain how sometimes a flash of bright light is enough to break certain weak chemical bonds, they use the example of a man taking a flash photograph. the man is wearing nothing but a speedo and a leer.

best flavored lip gloss: lady licious's pussy pucker pot in "don't need no MANgo," which, in addition to being deliciously vegan and life-affirming in an "even those bitches from sex and the city couldn't rock it bachelorette style like i can" kind of way, also bears the giggle-behind-your-hand-worthy slogan, "for the tastiest lips north of the hips." the site offers all kinds of cruelty-free goodies, including vegan condoms, so now not one of you has any gosh-darned excuse. not that that will keep you from making them.

bonus quiz!

which of the following quotes were dirty in their original contexts? the answers will be published in next sunday's best-of post, so don't bother pleading with me for hints in the meantime.

1. "it smells like a wicked good pickle back here!"

2. "when we're on football, we get the best high school action around!"

3. "come on, my little femur, give me purchase…"

4. "wooooooo!!! wooo hooooooo!!! wooo—OW! oh, shit. [crashbangscuffle] OWWWWW!!!"
"are you okay? what—did you fall?"
"yeah, i'm… my leg cramped and i… forget it. whatever. yeah, i'm fine. sorry."

5. "dusty tells jennifer that if he sees her going down he is coming in after her."

6. "all right richard walsh!"
"ready to go over? knee up, take it on top. reach up ... one more time like this ... now make it tighter ... turn front, let's see it now, here we go..."
"you've got it!"
"squeeze hard ... that's it, squeeze tight ... michael, you ready?"
"ready!"
"let's do it!"
"open it up! hold it on the side, knee comes up ... over ... squeeze it tight ... point those toes..."


now, everyone wish my grandma a happy birthday! happy birthday grandma! grandma was thrown out of high school one month before her graduation because her mother had gone to the principal and told him my grandmother was secretly pregnant. (great-grandma was, by all accounts, an especially nasty woman. i never met her, myself, because she disowned my mother a few days before her wedding.) my grandmother was also married at the time, but even if she hadn't been, to refuse to let her finish her last few weeks of school because she'd been sexually active is nonsensical at its surface and reprehensible at its heart. it isn't like she was in danger of going into labor while taking a final exam; she wasn't even beginning to show. while i'm in no way suggesting that high school is a great time to start your family, if it happens, people in positions to do so should help you make the best of it, not punish you arbitrarily. bad 1950s america! but good grandma, who toughed it out and raised herself a mighty fine daughter.






* not to be confused with mountie behavior, which can be more than a little flamboyant.