monday punch-in-the-face blogging

to the person who stole the small willow tree in the blue ceramic pot from my front porch this weekend,

you are a terrible human being. what kind of rotten good-for-nothing sneaks up onto a girl's porch in the middle of the night and steals a tree? i raised that tree from a sapling, i tended to it and nurtured it, i turned it regularly so it always got enough sun and cleared the leaves and debris out of its soil and gave it water when it needed it and food when it needed it and pruned away the dry branches and checked it every day for new growth and loved it like a child, and you just picked it up and ran off with it like some kind of crazy herbivorous dingo. are you going to do any of those things for it? are you? because it was just beginning to bud, and it needs care and attention now more than at any other time. is it even still alive, or did you toss it into a ditch somewhere so you could use the pot for something else? oh, my sweet, sad little tree . . . i can't bear to think about it.

listen, you murderous, plant-thieving scoundrel, i may never get my hands on you to pummel you soundly myself, but know that karma and i are tighter than a sausage and its skin, and she is on to you, buddy. if you haven't heard, let me tell you: the girl's got some moves. retribution shall be swift and thorough. prepare to rue the day, douche bag.

watch your back,

juniper


p.s. all imminent catastrophe can be averted if you simply return the tree to its place. you can keep the pot, i don't care; just give me back my baby.