new feature!

as any of the (two) regulars know, i am prone to starting new features and then growing more and more inconsistent in my delivery of them, until eventually they disappear and i start up something new, hoping no one will care and knowing that, really, it's unlikely anyone will notice. it isn't a malicious or even deliberate action on my part, it's simply that my infinite capacity for distraction is occasionally the dominant force in my day-to-day activities. in one sense i suppose you readers pay the price, but in another you are blessed with the excitement of never knowing exactly what manner of pretentious hackery i'll bestow upon you at any given moment. so, in the spirit of that beautiful tradition, i offer you my newest weekly column: monday "things someone said that made me want to punch him or her in the face" blogging. given my temperament and inability to forget or forgive comments that i perceive as especially hateful or stupid or both, this one may be easier for me to maintain than the others seem to be. but one never knows with bloggers; we are a vague and elusive species, and some of us are a little lazy, and some of us just can't remember what day it is. the parking ticket on the windshield of my car this morning reminding me that yesterday was sunday and i should have moved so as not to obstruct the street sweeper is tangible evidence that i am most definitely of this latter ilk; you may draw your own conclusions about the former two descriptions.

this inaugural installment will be dedicated entirely to glenn beck, whom i've only recently had the misfortune to discover and have become pathologically obsessed with. from the looks of things, he may be all i need to keep this column going--though i'm sure he won't be all i have to work with. so, without further delay:

ten things glenn beck said last week that made me want to punch him in the face

1. "[A]s a typical American before 9/11, I was like, 'Oh, you know what? Just cut it out--you [Middle Eastern citizens] can all just fall into the middle of the sea and it doesn`t matter to me, because you`re always fighting.' Now 9/11 happened. I thought, 'Gee, maybe I should pay attention to this.'"

2. "Why is it that it seems as though conservatives are the ones that are the most strong on the protection of Israel, we are the most--that we`re the strongest in defense, and yet so many Jews here in America are so on-fire liberal and they side with the people, the politicians who are ready to just give away the candy store? I don`t understand it, and so many Americans don`t." (aside: right now many of the liberals are angry that we have squandered all of our military resources on an unfounded, unnecessary war in iraq, making it impossible to take any action where it is truly needed, such as, for example, against iran in defense of israel. but i'm one-eighth jewish, so i probably would say that.)

3. "[I]f we follow the strategies suggested by Tony Blair and Robert Gates and the Iraq Study Group of banding together and making friends with--with Iran, the situation will be 100 times deadlier than if Saddam Hussein were still in power and had a massive stash of chemical weapons." which he didn't have, and please see above aside.

4. BECK: Back with Benjamin Netanyahu. In the last break, you said that Islam is the most primitive religion.

NETANYAHU: I didn`t say that.

BECK: You didn`t say that?

NETANYAHU: No. I said that militant Islam is a primitive religion.

BECK: How much of . . .

NETANYAHU: Most Muslims are not part of this crazy creed.

BECK: O.K.

5. "You know, one of the great things about somebody like me, a radio talk show host, getting his own show is that I can cover issues that I want to with my own prism, my own bias. I`m going to tell you flat-out I`m not a journalist . . . ." and if that show happens to be aired on the cable news network, well, it's nobody's fault but the viewers' if they make a mistake about that. facts are for newspapers; airwaves are standard-free. that's the beauty of america. like how the history channel has the right to air documentaries about vampires and werewolves--not legends about vampires and werewolves, actual historical accounts of their lives and times. because they're not historians, they're just the history channel.

6. "A couple of months ago, the leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq urged his supporters to each kill at least one American in the next 15 days. It was a shocking statement, but hardly surprising. Then, just a few days later, I came across a response to that message of hate that was surprising. It said, 'You hid in your caves and behind the faces of civilians in Afghanistan and Iraq. You have abandoned God and have started worshipping your own Satanic egos that rejoice at the killing of innocent people.'

Why do I say that statement, something that many of us agree with, is surprising? Because the man who wrote it is a Muslim."

7. "And K-Fed? You dope, when you`re going to marry an international pop star worth a couple hundred million dollars, don`t sign a pre-nup, you putz."

8. "O.K. No offense, and I know Muslims. I like Muslims. I`ve been to mosques. I really don`t believe that Islam is a religion of evil. I--you know, I think it`s being hijacked, quite frankly.

"With that being said, you [Keith Ellison (D), Congressman-elect of Minnesota and practicing Muslim] are a Democrat. You are saying, 'Let`s cut and run.' And I have to tell you, I have been nervous about this interview with you, because what I feel like saying is, 'Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies.' And I know you`re not. I`m not accusing you of being an enemy, but that`s the way I feel, and I think a lot of Americans will feel that way."

9. "[M]y doctor that helped with the health care of my daughter when she was first born said, 'You know, hey, we don`t know, but she may not feed herself or walk again.' She`s in college tonight. Doctors are wrong; I certainly do not want them making these kinds of decisions on the quality of life." the doctor said "we don't know" and "may not" in an effort to express the worst-case scenario to you, beck, which is something all doctors are obligated to do. your doctor was indeed wrong, though, in prefacing these statements with "you know," as, clearly, you do not.

10. bonus "flip out like a ninja" round! the entire following segment from the november 14 show made me want to pummel not only the two speakers but every member of the production crew who believed it deserved time on the air.

BECK: All right. Every day you can hear my radio program on stations all across the country including 570 KRNS in Salt Lake City. Now if you can`t find an affiliate in your area, sign up and listen online at my web site, GlennBeck.com.

Michael Graham is a host at 96.9 FM talk in Boston. [in boston! oh, the shame! -jp]

Hello.

MICHAEL GRAHAM, RADIO TALK SHOW HOST: Good to see you again, Glenn.

BECK: Good to see you, sir. There is a citizenship test that is now being given, and it`s multiple choice, and it`s kind of trivia.

GRAHAM: It stinks. I mean, really, who cares about the, you know, trivia questions like what do the stars in the flag--is it really important for immigrants to know that the stars . . .

BECK: If you don`t know what the stars stand for.

GRAHAM: Do we really care that the stars stand for the first 50 people who were, you know, voted off the island in American Idol? I don`t think we care about that.

BECK: I don`t think that`s what they mean.

GRAHAM: In all seriousness, ten cities including Boston were experimenting with the new citizenship test that is purportedly designed to teach immigrants what we in American society truly value.

BECK: O.K.

GRAHAM: And so I`m hoping--they have not revealed the test yet. I don`t know if this is like "Do You Want to Be a Millionaire?"

BECK: Do you have any idea? Do you have any . . .

GRAHAM: Question one, my question one on 96.9. Here`s question one. Do you speak English? Question No. 2, no kidding, really? Do you speak English like you understand it? Question No. 3--I want to buy a hamburger. It`s $1.97. I gave you a $5 bill. What are you going to give me back in American money? . . . [M]achine. This is what we want. These are the values that Americans care about.

BECK: You`re a hate monger. (grinning)

GRAHAM: No.

BECK: You are a hate monger. (laughing)

GRAHAM: Here`s my test for everyone who wants to be an American.

BECK: O.K.

GRAHAM: I`m going to give you a piece of paper. Draw me a football. If it`s round, you don`t get in.

BECK: Right.

GRAHAM: It`s supposed to be oblong. That`s what we want. So I`m hoping that they--in all seriousness, I want these people--as you know, America is the only country in the world that people get to make. Every single day we`re making America. It didn`t exist, you know, five years ago like Germany, France, et cetera. And so I want to make the best America and I want people of immigrant [sic] here to make a good America.

BECK: To be--to be serious for a second, the things that are important to me is do you believe that this is the land of opportunity?

GRAHAM: Right.

BECK: Do you believe--this kind of goes into what you were saying, we make America every day. We make it fresh every day.

GRAHAM: We do. If you choose to be a lazy dirt ball, you`re going to make America a little less good.

BECK: Here`s the thing, Michael. I think--I don`t know if you saw this recent poll that shows that many Americans, in fact, 50 percent of Americans believe that the American dream is done.

GRAHAM: Right.

BECK: You know, I think--honestly, I thought of this during the election. With Vermont--is it Vermont? Which is the one that just elected the first socialist . . .

GRAHAM: Vermont. Vermont. Right up the road here, yes.

BECK: I believe we should take the ice cream factory--without the two fat guys--and we should vote them out of the union. I think you should have a renewal period on every state. I think the rest of the country should vote whether you`re a state or not anymore.

GRAHAM: There are plenty--they are plenty of Americans who, I think, don`t qualify as citizens from the standpoint of knowledge, et cetera.

BECK: Exactly.