"www.killandiemacdowell.com" is still up for grabs

if i couldn't act
and my face was all squinchy,
would i be famous?


has andie macdowell ever not been absolutely terrible in any movie? has she ever not completely sucked the air out of a role, if not an entire film? her nature, to quote the shins, bears a vacuum, into which all color and emotion is inevitably drawn. and yet she continues to be cast, and not just in puff pieces and rubbish but in what might otherwise be truly excellent works. i have no idea how or why it happens, only that it does, over and over and over. let's run through a few of them.

1. four weddings and a funeral. brilliant! gorgeous! right up until the very end, that is, when andie, who has been ruining everything for everyone for the past two hours, not only keeps charles from realizing that he should just give in and fall deeply in love with fiona but also fails to die horribly in a plane/car/train wreck. after not dying she punishes us with one of the flattest, cheesiest, most poorly delivered lines in all of movie history: "is it still raining? i hadn't noticed." AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how did this scene make the final cut? what the hell were they thinking?

2. short cuts. this movie is more or less about how at least half of every couple is the devil; i saw it because tom waits is in it and my roommate is in love with tom waits. andie's character is, as one would expect, utterly without personality and therefore impossible to pity or sympathize with, even when her only child dies of a head injury after being hit by a car. he most likely would not have died if she had taken him to a hospital instead of letting him fall asleep, and so her suffering should be immense, should take up entire acres of space: no. nothing, not even in what should be her character's emotional climax, when she confronts . . . well, it's a long story, blah blah blah, but she gets right up in lyle lovett's face and shouts/whines, "my son is dead! he is dead!" i thought i'd kill myself laughing, it was so ridiculously limp.

3. groundhog day. bill murray is way too good for her. i shouldn't have to justify this.

and there's green card, and the object of beauty, and i'm sure a million things that i haven't suffered through. the point i'm making is, it's time for someone to stand up and tell her that she is quite pretty, but she is devoid of talent, and she is hereby banned for life from all theatrical or motion picture productions. i'll do it myself if the rest of you will have my back.

i guess that's all i had to say today. about three feet of snow have fallen here in the past twenty-four hours, and i've got a touch of the cabin fever. stay warm, folks, and don't be afraid to embrace your rage.