i am a pretentious hack.

       i'm not dead!

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

tuesday is super

my apologies for the blog coma, kids; think of it as my token contribution to the writers' strike. but i'm alive and reasonably well (not injured or afflicted by flu or other ailments, warm and sleeping through the night, yadda yadda), and i'm rooting for hillary. if you haven't done so, go out and vote, already. it actually matters this year, a lot, and who knows when that'll happen again. in fact, this year the primary election may have more influence over the fate of the country over the next several years than the presidential election. you count! so be counted.

yes, i watched bush's final (FINAL!) state of the union address. yes, i was underwhelmed, but no more so than usual. yes, i found the speaker to be self-righteous and out of touch and in endless search of applause and approval, but no more so than usual. and i was not surprised at the turn in public commentary following the speech. bush, lame as lame can be and out of favor with everyone except maybe his mom, is no longer someone to pay attention to, and all around this great nation pundits and average citizens alike have shaken their heads and blinked awake from the dream, like jennifer connelly rising up and giving david bowie the linguistic finger in the final scenes of labyrinth. "earmarks? terror? what about the human-animal hybrids and the switchgrass? no, you know what, forget it--you have no power over me."

and yet, i am still disappointed, that it took so long and that there is no sign that the masses will withstand similarly hypnotic antispeeches in the future. here is today's guest speaker, h. l. mencken, with a few words on the strange thrall in which politicians seem to hold their prey--er, public:

It is difficult to believe that even idiots ever succumbed to such transparent contradictions, to such gaudy processions of mere counter-words, to so vast and obvious a nonsensicality. . . . When [the president] got upon his legs in those days he seems to have gone into a sort of trance, with all the peculiar illusions and delusions that belong to a pedagogue gone mashugga. He heard words giving three cheers; he saw them race across a blackboard like Marxians pursued by the Polizei; he felt them rush up and kiss him. The result was the grand series of moral, political, sociological and theological maxims which now lodges imperishably in the cultural heritage of the American people . . . . The important thing is not that a public orator should have uttered such vaporous and preposterous phrases, but that they should have been gravely received, for weary years, by a whole race of men, some of them intelligent. Here is a matter that deserves the sober inquiry of competent psychologists.

he's talking about woodrow wilson, but the message can certainly be applied universally. people are all politicians, but some more and some less, and they will all tell you the thing they think you ought to hear instead of the thing that is true, but some more and some less. we'll get the liars and fools until we decide that what we really want to hear are straight and sensible facts. i don't want to be cheered up by my president, i don't want to be coddled or played. and change, yes, yes, we all want change, we want it by the busload, but "change" could be anything. "change" could mean that all interstate highways will now be paved with yellow brick. "change" could mean that everyone making less than $100,000 a year will be paid in pennies and nickels. i've no use for the vague and the starry-eyed. the people like big, baseless promises, they like charisma and grandiosity, they like being told that they can have all the social and civil services they need and enjoy with no money down, but the people . . . well, we've seen where their fickle, passionate wisdom can get us. silly rabbits.

here are a few of the things i've heard people say while discussing their preference in presidential nominees:

"i'm voting for obama, because the gospels say that women shouldn't be in positions, you know, that women shouldn't have a lot of power, so if hillary clinton were president, that wouldn't be right."

"all i want in a president is someone who's righteous, and it seems like obama will bring that."

"obama's really inspiring, and right now the country needs to be inspired." (doesn't it need to be inspired to do something more than be inspired, though? telling me to have hope is not a reassurance that my hopes will be fulfilled, and telling me that partisanship is bad will not change the day-to-day functioning of congress, the media, or american towns and cities. it really won't. i've been listening and listening and listening, and i know who obama is, and i know what he likes, and i know why people think he can win, but i can't figure out what he intends to do, or how any of his intentions might make him unique. but, you know, i'm a little cynical, generally.)

"we're not voting because one is a woman, we're not voting because one is black. when i go to vote, i'm just trusting that the lord will guide me to the right choice, that he'll lead my hand."

"he speaks with such authority."

interesting to see people citing righteousness and gospels as reasons for electing a liberal democrat--at least in my neck of the woods. also interesting that i have not heard anyone discuss voting for a republican nominee, for any reason. but that's not the point. the point is that you go out into the world and voice an opinion that you have formed with your head, not one that commercials or photographs or your friends and family (and i'm very sorry, but as far as i'm concerned that includes matthew, mark, luke, and john) have formed for you. don't be scared. today* is a super special day; own it.



* unless your state's primary falls on some other day between february 9 and july 12, in which case you should wait a bit and then own that.

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Monday, August 13, 2007

WOOOOOOO!!!!!!! WOOOOOOO-HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

karl rove to leave white house:

Karl Rove, President Bush's close friend and chief political strategist, announced Monday he will leave the White House at the end of August, joining a lengthening line of senior officials heading for the exits in the final 1 years [sic] of the administration.

On board with Bush since the beginning of his political career in Texas, Rove was nicknamed "the architect" and "boy genius" by the president for designing the strategy that twice won him the White House. Critics call Rove "Bush's brain."

"Karl Rove is moving on down the road," Bush said, appearing grim-faced on the White House's South Lawn with Rove at his side.

"We've been friends for a long time and we're still going to be friends ... I'll be on the road behind you here in a bit," he said ruefully.

hell yeah you will, you furrow-browed, lint-brained nitwit! i'm so happy i'm doing a little dance!

A criminal investigation put Rove under scrutiny for months during the investigation into the leak of a CIA operative's name but he was never charged with any crime. In a more recent controversy, Rove, citing executive privilege, has refused to testify before Congress about the firing of U.S. attorneys.

Rove's departure reinforces Bush's lame-duck stature and declining influence, particularly with Democrats in control on Capitol hill.

look at me dance! dance dance dance! with such abandon i am dancing! it's as if i were weightless and free from all care or worry! i could weep, i am so fully packed with joy and glee and dancing!

is this the first good thing karl rove has ever done? it doesn't atone for everything, but it's a tremendously positive step. and no, i will not read his book--but i will dance on it! dance and stomp with my mirthful tapping feet! and after i've paused for air and caught my breath, i shall dance on it some more.

and then i will recycle it, lou cona, and you had better start doing your part to make it worth my while. the world is on an upswing; now is totally the time.

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Thursday, February 15, 2007

shame on . . . uh . . . not gonna fool me again!

bush to america:

"listen, guys, i know you think i haven't been right about everything in the past, but iran is bad. really, really bad. like, seriously--even though i can't prove it. support the troops!"

america to bush:

"did someone say something? i thought i heard something. it sounded a little like 'wolf'; no one else heard that? really? huh."

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Friday, January 26, 2007

it's the way w. plays the game


"the decider" would have been an excellent name for a batman villain, don't you think? he could have tag-teamed with the riddler and the puzzler, spinning our gadget-laden protagonist into tizzy of flabbergasted reeling. batman would be challenged to come up with an answer to a dauntingly complex query, and then, when he offered his answer, no matter how solidly reasoned or correct it was, the decider would cackle, "that's a presumption that's simply not accurate," and the torture would begin anew.

bush has traded in his "decider" crown and scepter for the more grown-up military uniform of the "decision maker," but in this case the clothes don't make--or reform--the man, and his antics are every bit as bullheaded and loathesome under the new design. "i've picked the plan that i think is most likely to succeed," he says, and "some are condemning a plan before it's even had a chance to work." but this is such an obscenely and infuriatingly oblivious line at this point that robin and i are left too speechless and fuming to even toss up the obligatory "holy tunnel vision, batman!" that the audience is so rightly expecting. those of us faithful to the series know that the "plan" has had myriad chances to work, but it has not done so and will not do so, and trotting it out again with a fanfare in the key of e instead of c makes one wonder if the scripts for this particular drama are being written by the ghost of chuck jones. maybe somewhere some hopelessly sensitive child is sincerely rooting for wile e. coyote's success, but the majority of onlookers have always only snickered softly, shaken their heads, and muttered, "dumbass."

of course, no one dies when the bombs being detonated in the desert are made by acme, and when your favorite fictional dc evildoer reappears after an absence with a bag full of the same old tricks you're more than happy to welcome him, confident that he'll be summarily thwarted in the end. here in the real world, though, i'm afraid that the forces of good and sensible thought may have met their match in the decision maker. who will save us? anyone? anyone? i need a hero, and cowboys need not apply.


(signal courtesy of ElvenSarah)

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Friday, January 12, 2007

pictures in invisible ink


it's secret pal day here in the states—at least, i think it is. it might have been yesterday, and it might be this coming sunday; the little-known holidays are a bit like floating islands. but they're no less worth celebrating for that, and of course there's no one i'd rather secretly celebrate with than my #1 secret boyfriend. awwww, aren't we cute? now forget you ever saw us. i can neither confirm nor deny having anything to do with that image.

what i can confirm is that this week's new yorker contains malcolm's latest article, which he made a point of speaking right up about the second the issue hit the stands. obviously, after our unfortunate misunderstanding regarding his last piece, he wasn't taking any chances about provoking my bitter, secret wrath. he needn't have worried, though; it's early yet, but all signs point to the universe being more solidly on our side in this new year.

when i stepped through my front door the wednesday evening before last, i did so onto my january 8 issue of the new yorker, which had fallen open to the table of contents after being violently shoved through the (more than wide enough) mail slot. i looked down at its ragged edges and crunched corners and thought, first, "if that poem was from the mailman, i'm in bigger trouble than i thought, because he's taken to destroying the things i love," and second, "oooohhh, i see; the mailman is jealous—'cause my boyfriend sent me a leeeeeetter!" you might be interested to know that january is national letter-writing month, making this revelation all cosmic and adorable. but you might just as easily be not interested at all, and so i'll get on with the story. *ahem*

malcolm's name is very pretty in italics, with all its graceful "l"s and round, welcoming vowels. it's so pretty that i sat right down on the hallway floor to gaze at it, and once i did that i had my third thought:

"enron? aw, damn."

fact: i am not business minded. i don't follow stock reports or bone up on mergers or care what steve jobs calls his company, i'm not shocked or whipped into a scandal-ogling frenzy when corporations do things that hurt their shareholders or employees, and i don't expect anyone i invest my money with to care about what happens to me after i've handed over that money. i have a checking account and a savings account, i pay my bills, i avoid stores that utilize business practices i can't get behind, and that is everything that i have or would like to have to do with global markets. so i was pretty sure that there was nothing more i'd be excited to learn about enron, and besides, malcolm had already written an article about enron, and while i appreciate his enthusiasm and his willingness to doggedly worry a subject until the knot of it gives and falls into a simpler, more linear construct . . . actually, i appreciate that rather a lot . . . and that first enron article was only kind of about enron, and it wasn't half bad . . . i mean, i had to at least give it a chance, didn't i? because i trust the guy.

so i leaned back against the front door in my zipped-up coat and started reading, and i was on the third page before i realized i'd never taken my bag off from over my shoulder, that's how right i was to keep the faith.

i won't lie to you, kids, i really don't care about the enron case in and of itself, and nothing malcolm or anybody else says is likely to induce any radical upheaval in the extent to which my eyes glaze over at business speak. but at some point along the way, out of sheer necessity, this piece changes from an article about enron into something that is only shaped like an article about enron, so that it can more fully become the thing it started as. see, knots come undone a loop at a time, but you can't untie one without constantly reminding yourself of the string's continuity; the process of disentangling a knot has to be as much about the whole as the loops. you have to picture the whole, follow that length of material from one end of the snarl through all its ups and downs and ins and outs, imagine the twists and snags at the center, the part that's hidden from sight—and then you have to move that picture to the back of your mind and focus the rest of your attention on one small, isolated section at a time. i can do this with actual, physical knots; malcolm can do it with stories, which, when they're worth telling, are built just like knots. and while nothing, apparently, is gnarlier than american corporate law, and even though business transactions can be vast and fluid and abstract, at the middle of this particular knot there's nothing but us—us, not just a handful of enron employees and some ruined investors. what went wrong with enron goes wrong in countless other realms all the time, and this story works because it, nearly all alone in the googolplex write-ups on the company's downfall, actually points that out.

so, i don't know what to say about jeffrey skilling. i have absolutely no idea, after reading the piece twice and following the public discourse on the case and studying the law review that inspired and informed the article (the key points of said law review being so surprisingly enthralling, by the way, that i'm not even going to comment on its more wince-worthy spelling and grammatical errors—starting now), whether "fraud" is an entirely accurate description of the wrongs that were committed, and i'm not at all convinced that skilling should have been held as singularly responsible for those wrongs as he's been, regardless of how one chooses to categorize them. if i didn't know what good company i was in, i'd probably be deeply troubled by that. instead, i'm going to accept that there are things going on in the world that are currently beyond my grasp and focus on the fractions of the article that, for me, lit up parts of various other big pictures. like this one:

mysteries require that we revisit our list of culprits and be willing to spread the blame a little more broadly. because if you can't find the truth in a mystery—even a mystery shrouded in propaganda—it's not just the fault of the propagandist. it's your fault as well.

ooooooooooh, he's mad. he's also right. naturally, people have already tried to run him up a pole for saying a thing like that, misconstruing (or misrepresenting; i'd swear on a chicago 15th that at least a few of them are definitely misrepresenting) his stance as a defense of enron's practices, which were unquestionably sketchy (if, perhaps, not exactly shady; but again, i'm not certain) and deserving of condemnation. in his own explanation of his intentions malcolm refers to the article as a "semi-defense," but i doubt i'd have phrased it even that strongly. what the work boils down to is a reframing of enron's breakdown, and it should force people to think about why the word "enron" inspires such an instantaneous flood of negativity, and why we feel justified in giving that feeling free reign. i can't imagine the majority of americans not saying skilling deserves to spend the rest of his life in prison, but i'm every bit as skeptical that a majority of that majority could enumerate skilling's sins. it's imperative, though, that we force ourselves to understand why we've come to the conclusions we've come to in matters like this—matters where futures, where lives, are at stake—because if we fail at that step every subsequent action is rendered utterly indefensible.

i'm going to walk away from enron for a bit, though, now, and venture into the deep, dark, chilling woods that are home to all of the other ideas the phrase "mystery shrouded in propaganda" brings to mind.

the president's approval rating in the united states right now is, according to the most recent zogby poll, about 30 percent. (i think that's dizzyingly high, but i'm just one girl.) in april of 2003, right after the start of the war in iraq and the "fall" of baghdad, his approval rating was closer to 70 percent. in 2002, when he was busy trying to make his case for invading iraq, approval of the president dropped consistently from its october, 2001, high of nearly 90 percent to a low of just above 50 percent in february of 2003, and then skyrocketed when he declared the end of major combat. but he's been the same president the entire time, and the war in iraq has been the same war the entire time; most reasonable people recognized that the combat hadn't ended in may of 2003 and was unlikely to wind to a close over a day or two just because the president had said so. the problem, i guess, was that too many people at that point weren't being reasonable; but does it make sense to assume they've become more reasonable since then? the nation's shift in attitude regarding the war is being touted as a collective awakening, hundreds of millions of people suddenly coming to their senses about a president's, a cabinet's, a party's persistent self-interest and disingenuousness. but i don't see it that way.

when bush presented his new strategy for iraq on wednesday, the plan that had won him approval ratings twice as high, not to mention reelection, a few years earlier was torched for being neither new nor, in truth, a strategy. it might seem like the american people have woken up, since they're no longer buying the rhetoric and propaganda they'd seemed so moved by in the past. but it's got nothing to do with learned lessons. a few years ago, what the american people wanted was revenge. now, they want their families back. they haven't learned anything except that they don't enjoy putting their money where their mouths are, and what's worse is they can't see it, because they aren't putting any effort into understanding—truly, completely understanding—why they've changed their minds, or why they made the decision they made in the beginning.

in the previously cited law review, jonathan macey says this about group decision-making dynamics:

[O]nce boards of directors have been in place for a while, they are likely to embrace management’s perspective. More specifically, after a decision is made and defended by a board, it will affect future decisions such that those decisions will comport with earlier actions. For example, studies of the decision-making process that contributed to the escalation of the Vietnam War showed that leaders paid more attention to new information that was compatible with the earlier decisions. They tended to ignore information that contradicted those earlier assumptions. As one researcher observed, “there was a tendency, when actions were out of line with ideas for decisionmakers to align their actions.” Once ideas and beliefs become ingrained in the mind of a board of directors, the possibility of altering those beliefs decreases substantially. As Tom Gilovich has argued, “beliefs are like possessions, and when someone challenges our beliefs, it is as if someone criticized our possessions.”

in fact, someone had criticized our possessions, and us ourselves, and had ended 2,973 lives to bring the insult home. everything we knew and trusted had been brought to its knees; our hearts were broken. in order for oversight to be effective, macey says, it must be objective, and there was no hope of the average american citizen approaching objectivity at that time. when management's perspective was that we should invade afghanistan and take out the people who had attacked us, no one would have dreamed of dissenting. but when the management selected a new enemy and proceeded to paint it as every bit as much of a threat as the original enemy, if not worse, when they tried to take 300 million people's fear and confusion and misery into their hands and squeeze it, pressing their thumbs into the tears and punctures until everyone was wailing and blind, it stopped being an issue of choosing whether or not to dissent; under those circumstances, most people, if they don't fight to retain it, lose the ability to think objectively, or at all.

so objective refutations of flimsy assertions not only got buried in obfuscations and distractions and reiterations of catch phrases but were actively ridiculed by party members and newly rabid patriots who couldn't imagine any circumstances under which questioning the direction their leader's finger was pointing in didn't amount to treason. when that finger pointed to war, they didn't seek out information that would prove that such a move was neither inevitable nor necessary, even though such information was abundant, and they didn't embrace those ideas when other people pointed them out again and again and again.

the united states chose bush in 2004, after he ran on a platform of intimidation, threadbare slogans, and a guarantee of business as usual. and now that they've gotten what they asked for, what they've earned by failing to recognize or even look for the truth about a situation they had a massive investment in and should have been scrounging for every shred and scrap of objective intelligence on, what they've built for themselves by failing to just plain think,

they've turned en masse to point their own fingers at the people they placed the order with and say, "how dare you. how dare you be dishonest. how dare you do this to me."

when people thought enron was winning, they didn't want to know anything else. someone was responsible for providing them with information, and the information they were getting from that someone was to their liking; they let that be the end of the story. but the information being furnished wasn't the whole story, and while its purveyors must be held accountable for their actions, it is not their fault that no one involved wanted to admit—or even know—that they were meeting with far less success than they were being led to believe.

as dense as the bush administration's fog of propaganda was, there were elements of information that shed enough light to cut through it. some people affixed them to their pith helmets and marched up and down the street ringing bells, while 200 million people hurled fruits and vegetables and stones and slurs and flags and ribbons at them. those rioting mobs weren't different people at the time of last november's election; they just voted differently. the information they're getting isn't pleasant anymore, and they'd like to hear from someone else. but how much sense does that make? how does that signify an awakening? you could throw every last republican in the country into the grand canyon with a pocket full of trail mix and a pound of jerky and tell them that it's their turn to fight and sacrifice, but of course your problem wouldn't be solved. because the untruth that was sold to you was one you, at the time, said you were willing to pay for, and when that transaction leads to disaster, it's your fault as well. america, like a willful child, has gone from a parent who won't give it a cookie to one it thinks probably will. certain circumstances might change, but the practice that brought them about won't, and when we decide we don't like this cookie in however many years and would actually like a popsicle, we'll switch loyalties again. no objectively reasonable thought in sight, not from sea to shining sea.

i couldn't care less about enron. what i care about is people making solid decisions based on all of the verifiable information at their disposal and then accepting responsibility for the fallout from those decisions. what i care about is blame being assigned as it should be, by people who are in a position to know where that blame honestly lies.

jeffrey skilling is taking a hard, more or less solitary fall for a collective wrong that involved all kinds of irresponsible investments and convoluted hand-offs and insufficient models and impossibly unreadable documents—but he's been convicted of fraud. i don't know enough about corporate law to say whether or not, based on what i've read, that's a crime he committed, but i, like malcolm, would like his conviction and associated sentence to be something no one had any questions about. i'd like as many convictions as possible to go that way. whatever your interest in business, whatever country you hang your hat in, you owe it to, at the absolute least, yourself to make certain your legal system is operating in a just and clear-eyed manner.

sometimes ours fails. but it's our fault as well, and i am pointing my very angry finger at an extremely broad population of people who i'm afraid will never, ever care about a word i'm saying.

*sigh* i won't fix the universe tonight, anyway. so i'll close my little rant with this: all of you out there fighting the good fight, working like hell to think with the best parts of your heads, trying to hold yourselves and each other up while you watch the world around you fail you and fail you and fail you, doing all you can to make sense of it even when you have no reason to hope that it will ever make sense: you've got an extremely loyal pal.

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Wednesday, January 10, 2007

i feel bad about other people's necks

victory, noun: achievement of mastery or success in a struggle or endeavor against odds or difficulties

here is the monologue that i imagine took place in bush's head after the nineteen trillionth person asked him what he actually meant when he said "victory in iraq is still a possibility" and, when bush appeared confused by the question, one of his aides showed him how to look words up in the dictionary, yielding the above definition:

"so, 'victory in iraq' would be . . . well, let's see. since the difficulty we are struggling to master is primarily that the united states has never put enough troops on the ground in iraq to quell an insurgence which has spread its little wings and taken flight as a fledgling civil war and which at this point requires far more political restructuring than policing while simultaneously training what, from all reports, is an almost entirely green iraqi military, 'victory in iraq' must mean more troops. right?

"right! round up the men and load the humvees, boys! victory is ours!"

oh, um, that middle part? out of character for the president, right? that's the monologue that took place when i temporarily inhabited bush's body and grabbed his brain up in my hands and shook it like a tambourine, which, of course, jogged all the bats and goop loose and totally freaked me out, forcing me to flee and return control of his mental processes to him just in time for him to come to that dastardly, simple-as-a-two-piece-jigsaw conclusion.

the problem, i think, is that "more troops" is as far as the president--and possibly a vast number of other officials--cares to quantify matters, and he doesn't seem to grasp that there are different levels of "more," each with its own degree of effectiveness. our version of "more," to date, has had a degree of effectiveness of somewhere between 0 and -174.

between february and april of 2004, the coalition presence in iraq increased by close to 23,000 troops. it held about steady until november of that year, and between november 2004 and february 2005 it increased by about 18,000 troops, to 180,000. but in march it was down to 172,000, by april it was down to 164,000, and it dropped and dropped by dribs and drabs . . . so between september and november of 2005, we sent another 23,000, bringing the total up to 183,000. by january of 2006, that number was down to about 157,000. by the end of 2006, the troop strength was around 160,000, give or take.

at no point since the invasion have coalition ("coalition"? it sounds goofy now, doesn't it? my coach told me there was no "i" in "team," and even in "coalition" there are two of them) forces totaled more than 185,000 troops--and at no point since the invasion have the coalition forces been on the receiving end of anything that might be even loosely referred to as "victory." so one could conclude that the "more"s we've been contributing--20,000 here, 20,000 there, but all bringing us back to about where we started--are the wrong sort of "more."

and, of course, many people have come to that conclusion. "bad president!" they cry. "you can bang our heads into this wall until the end of time, but i swear to you, they will never break open and shower you with candy!"

"unpatriotic naysayers!" the president shouts back, swinging his stick in aimless arcs and reaffixing the elastic of his party hat over the sides of his blindfold. "staying the course always leads to candy! it's candy land! iraq is just a comma-shaped molasses swamp! now shut up and give me my Now and Laters!"

bush's Now and Laters are extra sticky and taste like ass, and the wrappers read a little like this:

Defying public opinion polls and the newly empowered Democratic leadership, Bush on Wednesday moved to send 21,500 more U.S. troops to Iraq while saying it was a mistake not to have had more forces there previously.

"The question is whether our new strategy will bring us closer to success. I believe that it will," Bush said in excerpts released by the White House before the speech. Stepping back now "would force a collapse of the Iraqi government" and could mean U.S. troops staying even longer, he said.

bleccchhhhhh.

yes, it was a mistake to not have had more forces there previously. here's the thing: YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE MORE FORCES THERE NOW. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE EXACTLY AS MANY FORCES AS YOU HAVE HAD THE ENTIRE TIME. I AM TALKING VERY LOUDLY, MR. BUSH, JUST IN CASE THE PROBLEM FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS HAS BEEN THAT A BIT OF FLUFF HAS BLOWN INTO YOUR LEFT EAR AND GOTTEN STUCK.

this "surge" isn't a solution--or a surge; it's maintenance, and that maintenance is of a failing status quo. 21,500 more troops means leaving our military and the citizens of iraq where they've been, and that means thousands more dead. it isn't enough to effect the change that needs to take place. it isn't enough to fill the positions our soldiers have been scrabbling to fill. it isn't enough to do anything but make bush look worse in the eyes of americans and the world and deepen the pool of blood that's accumulated in the middle eastern desert. it's more of the same, and in my opinion a lot of the people who are up in arms about that have little or no right to be: more of the same is exactly what they demanded when they put bush back in office in 2004. i, on the other hand, ought to have the right to secede by now, i've been so staunchly against him since day 1. i want to hope that there's still a chance that a more convincing show of humility and regret on bush's part could win over a few global allies and earn a troop commitment from other countries that could put us, finally, on solid footing. i want to hope that--but i don't. the pompous stubbornness of a few old men has likely doomed us and our soldiers to a sacrifice most people never cared or intended to make.

i don't want one more death, and i don't want this war to go on for one more day. i never wanted it. but we destroyed a country, we did, and i am equally disinclined to watch us stick our hands in our pockets, shrug, and back away from the ruins like a clumsy kid in a mikasa outlet. bush wants to devote another billion dollars to reconstruction efforts, but the buildings are not all that got broken, and even if you pay for the vase, when you get home and open its box it will still be shattered. when you close the box back up, put it in the back of the hall closet, and walk away from it, it will still be shattered. to make it a vase again, you have to fix it. you can't reassemble it, glue up a third of the fractures, and say, "well, it isn't my fault if it doesn't want to try" when the water you pour into it blows out the sides and soaks the carpet. you have to fix it.

21,500 new troops is not how. it hasn't been how for the past four years, and yet we have done it again and again. not that i know how; i'm starting to wonder if, at this point in the debacle, there is a how. but to do nothing, to cut our losses (but they wouldn't really all be our losses, would they? or even mostly ours) and withdraw, as some people are suggesting? to holler "suck it up and you'll be fine!" over our shoulders as we flee the scene? i don't want to try to live with that.

was there a solution, for a while? and we ignored it? and now we have all this blood on our hands, and because we can't bear to look at them we squeeze our eyes shut and sit on them.

stop it. hold them up and own them, and apologize. and beg--beg--the rest of the world to help you put this thing you've broken into some kind of order. forget about victory, forget it; just do what's right.

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Tuesday, November 21, 2006

and the hits just keep on comin'

remember a few hours ago when i said i thought maybe i'd never feel good again? well, that was before i read this:

On Monday, the federal office that oversees the nation's family-planning program got a new boss who doesn't believe in birth control. Eric Keroack is a Massachusetts obstetrician-gynecologist who argues that abstinence until marriage is the only healthy choice for women. Until recently, he served as medical director of a pregnancy-counseling organization that runs down contraception and gives out scientifically false health information—for instance, that condoms "offer virtually no protection" against herpes or HPV. Keroack also promotes a wacky piece of pseudoscience: the claim that premarital sex disrupts brain chemistry so as to create a physiological barrier to happy marriage.

In his new role, Keroack will have extensive power to shape the kinds of information disseminated to millions of women. He will be able to develop new guidelines for clinics, set priorities, and determine how scarce dollars get spent, says Marilyn Keefe of the National Family Planning and Reproductive Health Association. "We've seen that people in these political slots have a tremendous influence over how programs get implemented," she said.

and now i don't think it, i know.

NARAL pro-choice america has set up a petition that will be sent to mike leavitt, secretary of health and human services, urging him to reject keroack's appointment. sign it. seriously, like, right this second. sign it. that is, of course, unless you, too, believe "that the crass commercialization and distribution of birth control is demeaning to women, degrading of human sexuality and adverse to human health and happiness," in which case you may take this time to do something else, like grow a lollipop tree or levitate.

i suppose this is how bushco's fighting back. but come on, ladies, even dead-set chastity-belt-clad conservative ladies--do you want this man to be involved with your lower bits?


he's crazy! he's got the crazy eyes! i'd chase him away from my reproductive system with a flaming torch. the last time the bushmen tried to plant a psycho ("dr." w. david hager) in a role like this, they were shot down. this time, though, it appears to have been carried out in stealth, and i am sore afraid. two more years, though, right?

right?

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tuesday impatience blogging

i know i promised you that punch-in-the-face blogging would be a monday feature, but this was burning a hole in my pocket and, well, i just couldn't wait.

glenn beck, my bottomless well, offered me this gleaming treasure during yesterday's show, on which he discussed democratic congressman charlie rangel's desire to reintroduce a military draft:

"It's not like the stalled progress in Iraq has anything to do with the quality or the quantity of those currently in uniform."

unbelievable. i think i'll make my point through contrast; here are some other things that were said on monday. these things were said in the washington post:

House Armed Services Committee Chairman Duncan Hunter said Monday that the U.S. needs to push more Iraqi security forces to the front lines. Other Americans, including some military officials, have suggested boosting U.S. troop levels to help train the Iraqis.

President Bush said Monday he wasn't ready to decide between the rival calls for more or fewer U.S. troops on the ground.

Referring to the Iraqi security forces, Hunter told The Associated Press, "We need to saddle those up and deploy them to the fight" in dangerous areas, primarily in Baghdad. Hunter, a California Republican who is interested in his party's 2008 presidential nomination, took a different tack from Sen. John McCain, a front-running 2008 hopeful who has urged that additional U.S. troops be sent.


these things were said on bbc news:

The review panel's study, commissioned by Gen Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, has all but rejected a massive scale-up of operations in Iraq, the unnamed officials told the Post. More troops would be required to do this than the US military and fledgling Iraqi security forces could provide, they said.

But the Pentagon group had also concluded that a swift withdrawal of US troops would be likely to push the country into full-blown civil war, the sources said.

The officials said the panel was likely to favour a hybrid plan that cut the number of troops in combat roles while expanding US efforts to train and advise Iraqi security forces, the officials said.

Under the plan, an initial boost of 20,000 - 30,000 soldiers to the 140,000 already on the ground would be followed by longer term cuts, to as few as 60,000 troops, the newspaper reported.


no mention of how much longer that term might be was made, and i think that's a pretty weighty thing to leave out. will we be down to 60,000 troops by the end of next year, or the end of the decade? enquiring minds want to know.

the next piece is an excerpt from an article written by frederick kagan that was published yesterday on the web site of the american enterprise institute for public policy research. it's good, smart work, and i recommend that anyone interested in the topic take a look at it and that glenn beck be locked in a room and forced to listen to an audio rendition of it for the next 72 straight hours.

The Iraqi military, unfortunately, is still a work in progress. Although there are growing numbers of trained Iraqi soldiers formed into increasingly competent tactical units, those units remain highly dependent on American logistical support for food, shelter, ammunition, and transportation. This situation is not entirely the U.S. military’s fault. It stems also from the failure of the Iraqi government to establish ministries capable of performing their assigned tasks--a failure abetted by woefully inadequate assistance from the nonmilitary agencies of the U.S. government.

Wherever the blame for this failure lies, there is no denying that it has occurred. The Iraqi military cannot function without a significant American logistical presence. It cannot continue to improve in quality without a significant American training presence, which includes a partnership between Iraqi combat units and coalition combat units conducting counterinsurgency operations. These facts make nonsense of any idea of significantly reducing the American presence as a way to “incentivize” the Iraqi military. Redeployment on any significant scale will not incentivize the Iraqi military. It will lead to its collapse.

Consider the current deployment. There are now about 150,000 U.S. service members in Iraq, including perhaps 65,000 in sixteen brigade or regimental combat teams (the troops who regularly conduct raids, patrols, cordons and searches, and so on). There are also about 5,000 soldiers permanently engaged in training Iraqi units. Most of the remaining soldiers are primarily engaged in supporting these efforts and the survival of the Iraqi army. They maintain supply depots and supply lines. They transport essential goods around the country and distribute them at forward operating bases (FOBs). They keep both the U.S. and the Iraqi armies alive and moving. They are assisted by numerous civilian contractors and even local Iraqis, but the military personnel provide the glue that holds the entire effort together.


enough? all of these examples underscore the limitations of both the quality and quantity of the troops currently on the ground in iraq. the quality issues are primarily the result of inadequate training of iraqi forces, but we'll never be able to devote enough troops to that training effort if we don't increase the number of military personnel in iraq, because right now there are just enough bodies to keep everyone (or so we hope) in food and water. if we don't send more troops, the best-case scenario would be things staying exactly the way they are; the realistic scenario would be a none-too-slow descent into unmitigable chaos, and you'd think that beck, whose terror and hatred of islamist extremism surpasses all known boundaries, would understand that this is the absolute worst thing that could happen right now in this part of the world. beck likes to say that people like rangel are badmouthing the caliber of the u.s. military when they say we need more soldiers, but beck, as we've established, is about as sharp as a marble. our troops are heroes, but they aren't supernatural, and 150,000 of the greatest human beings on the planet will never be able to cover 300,000 positions. so many of these troops, some of them just out of their teens, some of them in their teens, are on their third deployments, and every time they go back the odds of them never coming home increase. even lt. col. robert maginnis, whom beck interviewed on the monday show, had this (extremely restrained) comment to make:

Well, Glenn, we have 520,000 in the Army. At least, that`s what we`re authorized to sustain; 141,000 in Iraq. As General Schoomaker, chief of staff, says, it really does strain the Army, especially given that we`re in 125 nations around the world.

So do we need more troops? Perhaps, if we`re going to sustain the current level of activity. Or, you know, God forgive us, if we continue to increase the number of engagements. Then we`re going to need more people, and you can`t grow them overnight.


now, i'm not in favor of a draft, but the problem boils down to math: we can't accomplish more than we've accomplished with the current number of troops. can't. can not. and it makes me want to throw up all over my own shoes when i think about the game of russian roulette we're playing with the soldiers we've got right now, especially when i remember--and i haven't forgotten yet--that they were sent to iraq for NOTHING. NOT A BLOODY THING, AND DAMN STRAIGHT I'M YELLING ABOUT IT. i'm furious that any of this ever happened, i've never supported the war, i never will support the war--but the sooner we get the iraqi forces trained to the point of self-sufficiency, the sooner we can start thinking about bringing america's role in the war to an end. rangel's argument, which may or may not involve some subtle psychological tactics, is, "I don`t see how anyone can support the war and not support the draft. I think to do so is hypocritical."

beck's response?

"[F]or Charlie Rangel to say it`s hypocritical to support the war and not support the war--bull fricking crap, Charlie Rangel."

bull fricking crap, indeed. the rest of the program, which includes a rant about how hollywood is poisoning our youth by sneaking environmental themes into animated films about wildlife, shall be dealt with another time. i feel better to have spoken up, but i fear i may never again feel good.

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Thursday, September 22, 2005

tee hee!

while name-calling is not my preferred method of dealing with people i hate, i do believe that it's not only fun but healthy to indulge the id once in a while. so here, i've brought your id a present. well, actually, it's being regifted--i got it from john in dc--but i don't think your id will mind.

disclaimer: there's some cussing at the other end of that link.

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Thursday, September 15, 2005

the skeksis are draining my essence! MY ESSENCE!!! NOOOOOOO!!!

so, karl rove has been drafted to head the post-katrina reconstruction effort, and lots of people are wondering, you know, what the hell that's all about. well, i won't lie to you, folks, i was a tad befuddled by it myself. isn't karl rove primarily a pr-bot? does he have any non-image-oriented leadership experience at all? as deputy chief of staff, he does coordinate the policies of the homeland security council, but, frankly, those policies haven't done anything for miss jackson lately. he's an organizer, to be sure, but one of catchphrases, partisan rallying, and smear campaigns, not honest labor-intensive efforts. will he rebuild the coastlines with his kidney stones? could we count on him to craft a straight-flying paper airplane? has he ever even held a garden trowel in his alabaster, baby-smooth hands?

fear not, my little chickens! i have here a glowing list of captain turd blossom's previous positions, all of which speak to his incontrovertible worthiness:

• chief strategist for the bush-cheney 2000 presidential campaign
• president of a public affairs firm
• member of the board of international broadcasting
• member of the board of the mcdonald observatory
• teacher at the lbj school of public affairs
• teacher in the journalism department at the university of texas, austin

ha! oh, wait, that's not . . . hang on . . . (*shuffleshuffleshuffle* hey, does one of you guys have the list? the rove list? no, this isn't it, this is just a lot of pr and board-member crap. what? you're kidding me. well, so, what . . . ? oh, screw it.)

hmmm. i guess this really is the list that bush and his bushy bushmen were looking at when they made their decision. my brain says, rise up and riot! holler your righteous dissent! do not let this administration put one more unqualified invertebrate in a top position! but my body says, eh, what's the point. so futile... so weak... and so, as you can see, the thing about karl rove that makes him king of the mountain time and time again, in the face of any and all defensible, well-backed arguments, is his ability to do this:



go ahead, fight it. i dare you.

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Sunday, September 11, 2005

america supports you! kind of! when it makes them look good!

it made me livid to know that my government thought the best way to honor those who died in the september 11 attacks was to have a parade touting the unfounded war said government used those tragic deaths as a jumping point for. the only factual link between the attacks and the iraq war is, of course, the government itself, and its dogged refusal to admit that the one only led to the other by way of the president's and the administration's callous self-promotion and nonsensical propaganda. anyone who didn't believe it was hogwash before should know by now not just that it absolutely is, but that the people who were pushing it never took it seriously themselves; four years of being beaten about the head with the idea that bush was the only man who could keep our nation safe, but when he was actually faced with a disaster, a chance to prove to the nay-sayers that he's meant any one word of it, we watched that "america is safer and stronger under my leadership" house of cards fall so fast it took us days of rewinding and slow-motion just to figure out what had actually happened (and it was more than could be summarized in a single hour-long broadcast; thank you, atrios, for the links). no one was working to make us safer here on our own ground, and the only reasons they wouldn't have bothered to construct anything better than this cardboard façade we've finally seen blown to bits are that they didn't believe they'd ever need anything more substantial, or they didn't care in the least about what would happen to american citizens if that need did someday arise.

well, i think the fact that the president and his cheerleaders don't care about their citizenry was pretty well proven when they chose to go forth with this "freedom (from the burden of conscience) march" instead of redirecting the funds to the victims of the hurricane, who suffered as much, if not more, from a lack of leadership and capable personnel as from the hurricane itself. no one has apologized, and no one is about to apologize, but they're happy to hand us plastic dogtags and t-shirts--as long as we'll promise not to try to call them on their shit. sure, we support you, america... but we will arrest you if you hop that fence. it's not a police state, it's tough love.

of course it is. and when mistakes like this are squashed under the loving foot of the war machine, it's only being done for our own good:

Army Kept Truth of GI's Death From Family
By ROBERT BURNS, AP Military Writer
Sunday, September 11, 2005

(09-11) 04:10 PDT WASHINGTON, (AP) --

The Army said Saturday it knew for more than a year after 1st Lt. Kenneth Ballard's death in Iraq in May 2004 that he was not killed in action, as it initially reported. The family was not told the truth until Friday.

On Memorial Day in 2004, the day after Kenneth Ballard died, the Army informed his family that he had been killed by enemy fire while on a combat mission in the south-central Iraqi city of Najaf. In a casualty announcement from June 1, the Pentagon said Ballard died "during a firefight with insurgents."

The Army disclosed on Saturday that Ballard, 26, actually died of wounds from the accidental discharge of a M240 machine gun on his tank after his platoon had returned from battling insurgents in Najaf.


the delay in informing the family has been blamed on an "oversight," but how in the world was that sort of mistake made in the first place? couldn't be that "killed by insurgents" is the default cause of death on the form letter. the united states government and/or military would never use such a cheap, patriotic-heartstring-tugging tactic to pacify grieving, angry families. things like that couldn't happen in my country.

"of course they couldn't," the department of defense says. "we're a good country, we love you, we're protecting you. what, you don't believe us? that's not very fair; aren't we throwing you a parade?"


postscript, 8:24 pm, 9/12/05: americablog makes mention of some of the thank-you gestures extended by our good, loving country to the out-of-tune members of the marching band.

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Wednesday, September 07, 2005

finally, someone with a plan.

fafnir for FEMA director!

postscript, 9/9/05: i was momentarily very proud of myself for posting this a full 29 hours before atrios, but then i remembered that that's because he's been so busy following the real news.

screw it. i beat atrios! ha ha ha!

i suck.

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you killed EVERYBODY!!! you BASTARDS!!!

print this out and staple it to the forehead of anyone who tells you the government handled this crisis well--or at all.

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Tuesday, September 06, 2005

working their way down the set list:



image taken from tonight's episode of the daily show, i love jon stewart, blah blah blah. you say i'm repetitive, i say i'm admirably loyal. thanks to erik for his link in the comments at eschaton.

postscript: i had a hell of a time finding a list of the members of the daily show's writing team, whom i would leap so many tall buildings for, and in the end i had to break out my copy of america. having done that, i'd like to mention them, so maybe someone else who wants to wish positive karma on the folks behind the scenes can send it to them by name.

-david javerbaum (head writer)
-rich blomquist
-steve bodow
-tim carvell
-eric drysdale
-j.r. havlan
-scott jacobson
-tom johnson
-rob kutner
-chris regan
-jason reich
-jason ross

send them cookies and fancy socks. schnell!

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breaking news

the bush-led investigation into where and why fatal mistakes were made by national emergency response teams has revealed some startling news. while the federal emergency management agency is tasked with responding to, planning for, recovering from and mitigating against disasters, michael brown is actually the director of the federal emergency manufacturing agency, the primary responsibilites of which being to turn a blind and blissfully ignorant eye to news of monumental disasters, and to keep qualified organizations from helping those in need once the situation has progressed to a point where ignoring it is no longer a possiblity.

the investigating committee has determined that, in light of this information, michael brown is and has been, as the president stated, "doing a heck of a job." they also say that the majority of the blame for this terrible national tragedy lies with the democratic leadership and the liberal media, for not catching the typo sooner.

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Sunday, September 04, 2005

i still love ants.

and not only am i in good company, but i may have been more right than crazy in my last discussion of them. i'm reassured about my decision to bring them out of the house, as well; if my ant was searching for a community cemetary, he'd have died of exhaustion looking for it if he never traveled past the foot of my bed.

if we were ants, all of this would be fixed by now. they're much more effective in cooperative efforts, everyone knows what he or she should be doing all the time. i think my new battle cry is "any leaf cutter for president!" our society may be terrifyingly chaotic, but all i need to do to regain my composure is lie face-down in the yard for thirty minutes, and then i can be certain that the functional delegation of responsibility within a society is at least a physical possibility, even if it's never a meaningful part of my cultural reality.

did i...? i think... i think i just told you that i wish i were a bug.

there's a good chance i'm cracking up.

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superpower, my ass.

not only is there an elephant in america's living room, but the emperor on its back is naked, holding his dick in his hand and demanding more comic books and jujy fruits.

maybe a few people aren't willing to admit that they knew the levees would fail and we'd be left with what we've been left with, but i do not believe that anyone (except maybe the presidiot, whose inner circle seems to keep him pretty cheerfully uninformed) actually did not know. is that unwillingness the entire problem here, the thing to blame for all of this destruction? maybe some people have taken their all-american can-do attitudes to a fatal extreme. in an article published today:

The prospect of more vulnerable populations on a more turbulent Earth has U.N. officials and other advocates pressuring governments to plan and prepare. They cite examples of poorer nations that in ways do a better job than the rich:

-No one was reported killed when Ivan struck Cuba in 2004, its worst hurricane in 50 years and a storm that, after weakening, killed 43 people in the United States. Cuba's warning-evacuation system is minutely planned, even down to neighborhood workers keeping updated charts on which residents need help during evacuations.

-Along Bangladesh's cyclone coast, 33,000 well-organized volunteers stand ready to shepherd neighbors to raised concrete shelters at the approach of one of the Bay of Bengal's vicious storms.

-In 2002, Jamaica conducted a full-scale evacuation rehearsal in a low-lying suburb of coastal Kingston, and fine-tuned plans afterward. When Ivan's 20-foot surge destroyed hundreds of homes two years later, only eight people died. Ordinary Jamaicans also are taught search-and-rescue methods and towns at risk have trained flood-alert teams.

Like many around the world, Barbara Carby, Jamaica's disaster coordinator, watched in disbelief as catastrophe unfolded on the U.S. Gulf Coast.

"We always have resource constraints," she said. "That's not a problem the U.S. has. But because they have the resources, they may not pay enough attention to preparedness and awareness, and to educating the public how to help themselves."





in order to educate the public on how to help themselves in an emergency situation, you must first make them understand that there will be emergency situations that no one, not even the united states government, will be able to prevent. i have heard too many people say that the footage they've seen of the flood survivors and the aftermath they're trying to live in doesn't "look like america," as though we, as privileged citizens, were somehow immune to acts of nature--people flying first class don't have to suffer leg cramps, and americans don't have to worry about dangerous weather patterns. but what else would people think when no one has put a sufficient amount of effort into impressing upon them that that can not, under any circumstances, be the case? when the officials responsible for keeping the public informed will not admit that that isn't the case? even when flood drills were run in new orleans, they were run according to the events that would unfold during and after a category 3 hurricane, which is what the levees were believed to be able to withstand. they acted out a scenario that they were almost completely confident they could handle, and then when it was over they said, "see? we told you we had your backs." but that scenario was not the worst-case one, and that's the one FEMA existed to prepare for. we're shocked, now, that nobody had a plan, but it was a mistake on everyone's part to assume unquestioningly that there was one.

we can't get so accustomed to being able to expect better that we don't remember to check in once in a while and make sure that "better" is what's actually being delivered. the american people were told that measures had been taken to ensure their safety, and, because no tragedies struck in the interim, no one got on anyone's ass and demanded that they prove it. but how were the people heading up these measures convincing themselves that they had done the job? were they using the same standard--nothing bad had happened, so they must have got it right? i think we had a group of self-satisfied people standing in a circle and patting one another's backs, and now their combination of hubris and indifference has led to exactly the sort of catastrophe they were in place to prevent. so what are they doing now? they've split up into smaller groups, where they alternately pat the backs of the people around them and point angry fingers at the people in the group next to them. so far no one's made any admissions as to where, exactly, the failure originated, or suggestions about how we might get it right next time.

we could always send some of our public officials down to cuba for while, and see if they pick up any pointers.

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Saturday, September 03, 2005

who the hell's driving this thing?

daily kos gets the blue ribbon today for providing the best information on my most recent source of mute, blinding rage: the united states' refusal to accept aid from outside or independent sources, the most dumbfounding of all, to me, being the stubborn and inane unwillingness of government organizations within the united states to let the red cross, which exists for the sole purpose of providing disaster relief, into disaster-stricken areas in order to provide relief. in particular, check out steve rose's diary comments. they're, um... enlightening.

you'd think one of bush's lackeys would have realized by now what a killer photo op it would be to have him distributing aquafina and wonder bread in a red cross jacket. if they could find a way to convincingly stage a reconstruction effort, i'm sure they could round up a circle of disheveled, grateful-looking kids for him to paste band-aids on and hand out cookies to.

jerks.

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Wednesday, August 03, 2005

quotes of the day

ah, the miracle
of communication--not
what we'll witness here.



i will make you vomit! and my poison will make your heart stop! i could rot your insides!
--ruud "the bugman" kleinpaste, "the island of giant bugs"



make no mistake about it, we are at war; the violence in recent days in iraq is a grim reminder...
--george "the duh-man" bush, "address to the american legislative exchange council"


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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

today i am troubled because . . .

when "and a dab of
rectal fluid" is in the
recipe, just pass.



. . . centipedes live for about six years, sometimes longer. that means every time i see one and fail to catch it in time to kill it, i have to assume that it is going to be hanging out behind my bookshelf or bureau or bathroom sink for up to a decade. in high school a spider lived in my bedroom window. at night i would see it hanging upside down on the curtain, and i would watch it and watch it and watch it, sometimes for almost an hour at a time; it never moved. and then i would turn out the light and roll over to go to sleep, and if i sat up and turned on the light five minutes later the spider would be down at the bottom of the curtain, making its steady, stealthy way into my bed, and as soon as i drifted off it would bite me and bite me and bite me. spider bites are easy to recognize once you've received a few. when you examine the site closely, you can make out the distinct entry wound from each individual fang in the center of its small red welt. my spider, for some reason, tended to strike three times in a row in the same general region, usually on my stomach. i loved my spider. i talked to it, i named it, i told it about my day and wished it sweet, sanguineous dreams. i missed it when it was gone. but centipedes live for about six years, sometimes longer, and so now i not only have to face them, to force myself to stay in a room with one, but i will also have to chase them about when they try to run for it, because i would rather let the ghastly twenty-ton queen mother of all murderous arachnids chew my face off and lay eggs in my brain than wonder while i'm brushing my teeth some night in 2009 whether the centipede that beat me to the door in 2005 is about to march over the toes of my left foot.

. . . i'm pretty sure that if a person who knew nothing of him were to watch the speech george w. bush made last night without any sound, that person would think one of two things: (1) that the president of the united states is actually a faultily wired automaton whose movements are dictated by puppeteer chimps administering electrical shocks via remote control, or (2) that he is the victim of some sort of neurotransmitter typhoon that has left him manic, tic-laden, and deranged. turn on the sound, my lovelies, and you are forced to admit that, actually, he is both. and that don't leave us but nowhere. i understand that at some point a well-placed round of applause was begun by one of the president's aides. excellent.

. . . i can't stop eating chunky peanut butter out of the jar with a fork. my mouth says yes, but my tush says DIE, YOU DISGUSTING WHORE! HAVEN'T YOU HURT ME ENOUGH?

. . . the eels are playing right now not thirty minutes from my home. and i'm writing this.

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